We Interrupt This Date Read online

  “I’m not doing any convincing, at least not where Steve is concerned. If it happens, it happens. Besides, I already have a date tonight.”

  “In the middle of the week? On a Tuesday? That doesn’t sound promising. You won’t want to stay out late and then go to work in the morning.”

  “This guy—the date--is transferring to Charleston next month and he’s only here until Wednesday, so tonight was the only night he had available.”

  “It’s a blind date, isn’t it?” Veronica said this in tones she might use to announce that the earth was in the path of an asteroid the size of the sun.

  My casual shoulder shrug and my sudden interest in watching a couple of restaurant patrons stroll by were admission enough. Veronica knew I hadn’t been anywhere lately except to yoga. It wasn’t like I was going to arrange a date with a stranger I crashed my cart into at the Publix grocery.

  “Wait, don’t tell me. That New Age person you work with is the one who’s hooking you up. That can’t be good. I imagine her taste in men runs to long-haired, ascetic types with dark, soulful eyes. They all read tarot and teach meditation classes, go to Nepal on vacation, and wear necklaces made of healing crystals.” Veronica sighed from the bottom of her soul. “Susan, Susan, Susan.”

  “It’s true that Patty got me the date with her boyfriend’s cousin,” I said reluctantly, “but he’s not a meditation teacher, he’s an insurance salesman.”

  Patty and Veronica had only crossed paths once, months ago, when Veronica stopped by my office to leave off an invitation to her niece’s baby shower. Patty was wearing gold hoop earrings and was dressed in her usual style--floor-length crepe, rainbow-colored skirt and matching blouse. Her jet-black hair hung to her waist in ropy coils, so she looked like one of those carnival fortunetellers. She’d made the mistake of offering Veronica a half-priced tarot reading because she looked like she was “having man problems.”

  “I suppose she consulted the pagan gods first. I’ve never had a blind date in my life and I certainly wouldn’t let someone like Patty arrange one for me.”

  She’d told me once that needing to have someone fix you up was an admission of failure and God knew I didn’t need something else to make me feel like a loser. I love Veronica dearly, but even she admits she tends to view the world in black and white and she can be less than tolerant of viewpoints that differ from her own. Not for the first time I pondered the whimsy of fate that had brought me a best friend who had so much in common with my mother.

  No, I’d chosen Veronica and fate had nothing to do with it. The answer to the question of why I’d made that choice drifted out of my grasp.

  Veronica put her cup down and signaled the waiter. “You know you’re wasting your time going on a blind date when you’ve already found someone on your own.”

  Mama couldn’t have put it better herself. But if Jack Maxwell were sitting here, he’d have said, “Go for it. You can’t win if you don’t enter the race.”

  I shook my head. I knew I was thinking about Jack only because Mama had tried to fix me up with a man this morning. There’s something about coming out of a year long fog that causes a lot of random thoughts and buried memories to pop up when you least expect or want them to.

  “You never know how things will work out, Veronica. Besides, like you said, I need a starter date to get me off and running.”

  We parted at the door. I wished she hadn’t been so negative about my date, so willing to believe it would be a waste of time.

  I allowed my imagination to wander. Patty’s boyfriend’s cousin might turn out to be my soul mate, even though I hadn’t really wanted to go out and only agreed to shut Patty up. And because Everybody Loves Raymond reruns had lost their appeal. And because—just because I was tired of being predictable, soft touch Susan, who wasn’t special to anyone.

  Chapter Three

  Humming Let’s Get Together, I sauntered into the pawnshop through the employees’ entrance at the back. Two seconds later Odell shot out of his office as if someone had set off the Space Shuttle under his chair. He had the phone receiver pressed to his ear so he was brought up short by the cord. He deserved it. I’d told him before he needed to get a cordless phone, but he was too cheap.

  I halted in front of him until he ended the conversation with a final, “proud to do business with you,” and frowned at me.

  “An hour or two to take your mother to a doctor appointment is one thing. But…” He swung the phone receiver back and forth on the end of its cord as if the pendulum motion were driving his thoughts. “It’s after one o’clock in case you didn’t notice.”

  I sighed gently and said, “Sorry. I’ll work late to get caught up.” I lowered my gaze to the floor, hoping he bought the penitent act.

  Pathetic, but I needed the job too badly to risk getting fired. I thought about Veronica’s business proposition and wished I were in a position to take a chance. Maybe in the next lifetime, as Patty would say.

  I scooted into my office and powered up my computer. The phone rang every few minutes. I kept having to ask the customers to repeat themselves. Odell made a point of shooting me warning frowns every time he walked past, the legs of his too-long trousers flapping around his ankles and threatening to trip him up. Must be tough trying to find size 38X26.

  It isn’t that easy to determine when Odell is frowning and when he’s using his normal expression because he has a long, saggy, bassett hound face and droopy lower eyelids. Still, I’ve worked for him long enough to have a pretty good idea of what he’s thinking most of the time. Usually something negative. It was all I could do to keep from telling him I’d had a better offer, which I’d decided to take.

  Pure fantasy. The chances of me changing my mind about Veronica’s offer were about as likely as me deciding to dance naked in front of the tourist information center on Meeting Street. I managed to clamp my mouth shut and act apologetic every time he looked at me.

  You rat, I thought, after he left early because of a crisis with his niece. Wait until I find another job.

  I made it a point to be especially nice to the next customer who called, even though he was three payments behind on his loan. He seemed to think that gave him the right to say, “You’re nothin’ but a witch, lady,” when I told him I couldn’t get Odell to push back the due date or lower the interest rate.

  “Have a nice day, sir,” I sang into the receiver before he hung up.

  Patty finished ringing up a sale and waved from behind her register. “Thank God, Odell’s finally outta here. What’s going on?” She sashayed out from behind the counter to lounge against the doorway to my office.

  “Nothing.” I put my fingers on my keyboard and glanced at her sideways.

  She reached up and tugged her hair clips loose, letting her black hair fall from the loose pile on top of her head to a full cascade down her back. She’d once told me that there comes a time in every redneck woman’s life when she has hair down to her butt. Then she’d planted her hands on her hips and said, “Honey, except for my interest in the occult, I’m as redneck as they come.”

  Odell makes her wear her hair on top of her head because he’d once had a cashier who caught her ponytail in the register and she threatened to sue when she had to cut a chunk of it off to free herself. But whenever Odell leaves early, Patty lets her hair down. In more ways than one. Now she turned on the radio Odell keeps on a shelf against the wall and danced and swayed in the doorway to Heartbreak Hotel.

  “Need something, Patty?”

  “Just curious. You’ve been in such a scatterbrained mood all afternoon. Carrying your mama to the doctor doesn’t usually have that effect on you, so I assume it was something your friend, the tight-assed businesswoman, said over lunch. Let me guess. She’s finally figured out money won’t buy her love, so she’s going to share with you in the hopes that will get her some points with the relationship gods and they’ll send her a decent man to warm her bed.”

  I shook my head in mock sadness.
“You’re awful.”

  “I’d go home and burn some candles, but I’ve already forgiven myself for my bitchiness. Now tell me what’s got you smiling.”

  “I told you, I’m simply in a great mood.”

  I hadn’t realized I was smiling. But I didn’t dare tell Patty about Veronica’s plan to take me away from all this. It had come to nothing, but Patty couldn’t keep a secret if her lips were stuck shut with Super Glue.

  “Lately you’ve been in a great mood more often than not.”

  “I haven’t noticed.” Like everyone else, I wasn’t likely to pay attention to moods unless they were the kind that made me miserable.

  “Honey, I know what it is. You’re looking forward to our dates tonight with Kyle and Herman--don’t judge. He’s named after his father.”

  “Sure, Patty. Herman might turn out to be The One. I’m mentally planning my next wedding.” Like I even needed a man in my life now that I had all the freedom everyone had told me about.

  “Make me your matron of honor and I’ll bake you a red velvet wedding cake and get my brother Floyd to bring his Bluegrass band and do the music for half price.”

  The chime on the front door sounded and she scurried back behind the register. I picked up the last invoice on my desk. I wondered if Herman was as good a catch as his cousin--Patty’s boyfriend Kyle--had promised.

  ***

  The answer to that question came soon enough. Kyle roared to a stop in my driveway in his black crew cab pickup promptly at seven. I’d been watching from the window. I saw a moderately good-looking, slightly paunchy man with a wide face and wide-apart eyes approach the front door. I backed away from the window and waited for him to ring the bell. I took a second to touch my hair for reassurance before I opened the door.

  I liked the way Herman complimented me on my outfit—cream colored silk blouse and black slacks—and my hair, piled on top of my head in curls, thanks to my curling iron and about a gallon of hairspray. I didn’t like the way he put his hand on the small of my back and applied so much pressure I had to move along in a near trot.

  Herman and I sat in back. Patty turned and gave me a thumbs up. She always acts a little high around Kyle. I couldn’t help noting she’d forgotten to draw her eyebrows back on. She shaves them off because they’re orange, her natural hair color, then she draws them back on in black. They usually rub off toward the end of the day and now they were faint, charcoal-colored lines over her eyes making her face look like an unfinished portrait. I might clue her in later.

  “We’re going to Bubba Gump’s,” she said. “I love their shrimp.”

  Bubba Gump’s was on Market Street. I’d only been a couple of times, but I liked it.

  “I’m more of a meat and potatoes man,” Herman said, patting his stomach. “Person shouldn’t have to worry about shells getting in the way when they eat.”

  “There are no shells on the Bubba Gump shrimp. Everybody knows they take those off before they cook them. You’re not going to turn out to be one of those burger and fries addicts, are you?” Patty said.

  “I might. I’m sure not going to let a woman order for me.” Herman cracked his knuckles. He slid closer and I smelled alcohol on his breath. Then he put his arm over the back of the seat, so I had to inch forward to keep his hand off my shoulder. Suddenly I didn’t want him touching me. The date I’d looked forward to, the only bright spot in my day had started out being about as much fun as a field trip to a fish processing plant.

  After an awkward silence, Herman said, “Patty tells me you work in the office at a pawnshop.” He ran his fingers across the seat as if he were assessing the quality of the leather.

  “I answer the phones, do the billing, collect payments,” I said without looking at him.

  “Ouch.”

  “Excuse me?” I shifted position so I could lean toward the window and away from him.

  “You know.” He waved his hand in the air near my face. “I’d never settle for a dead end job like that, but then I’ve got a business degree from Clemson. I’ve worked myself up in sales, that’s why they’re transferring me from Columbia to Charleston.”

  “Really. How nice for you.”

  I could have pointed out that I, too, was educated, but a degree in English didn’t help much when a woman had been out of the job market for almost twenty years. I’d spent my best years holding down a homemaking gig for a husband who eventually traded me in for an enhanced model. A lady did not brag and she was not rude. Two of Mama’s most important rules, even though I’d fallen far short when it came to ladyhood.

  After Kyle found a parking spot only two blocks from Gump’s, I let Herman walk beside me on the sidewalk. I pasted on a pleasant smile--actually more of a smilette, since it didn’t reach my eyes. As we strolled along behind Kyle and Patty, I made a remark about the nice cool weather—safe topic--and pointed out objects in the shop windows we passed, pretending to be especially interested in a faux marble statue of a dog anointing a fire hydrant. But when he tried to put his hand on the small of my back again, I slid out of reach.

  Half an hour later, standing in front of the ladies room sink, I wished I’d opted for a standard stomach flu excuse and gone home. My first date in twenty years, and I would have been better off sharing an evening with Mama, letting her lecture me on the topic of her choosing. Or maybe I should have let her fix me up with Church Stanley.

  I’d gone to the ladies room to rinse sauce from Dixie style baby back ribs off the front of my blouse. Said sauce had been accidentally deposited there by Herman, don’t judge, he’s named after his father.

  Surely some people were compatible even if they’d met by way of the time-honored fix-up. Why had the gods not favored me? Why had my first dip back into the dating pool not been a gentle splash instead of a dive off the high board into freezing water.

  I wondered if I needed to suggest that Herman consider investing in a personality transplant, maybe something with a dab of humor and a lot more humility. Of course, the good manners drilled into me over the years by no less a southern lady than my mother, had not allowed me to do more than nod and smile and pretend I was having a fantastic time.

  Herman’s face, slightly blurry in the way fleshy features often are, had so far shown only two expressions—disapproving and smug. When I mentioned that my mother had a couple of Chihuahuas which tried to outdo each other in yapping, his response was, “Well, they would. Your basic Chihuahua has tiny vocal chords that can’t emit a deep throaty sound like, say, your basic German Shepherd.”

  Yeah, I thought glaring at him, and your basic jerk probably has tiny…never mind.

  I’d poured myself a second glass of wine and taken a big gulp, though I wasn’t used to drinking and was already slightly tipsy. It was then that Herman managed to drop his fork in the middle of his plate and splat sauce—in an unattractive map of the world pattern--across the front of my blouse.

  Patty had sat across from me with Kyle. Kyle is not my type, either, even if he wasn’t already taken. Kyle thinks no activity is fun without the presence of a couple of six packs and a ten-pound bag of Doritos. His hobby is taxidermy. But the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he looks at Patty and the easy way he drapes his arm across her shoulders show that she is important to him.

  I’d no sooner returned from the ladies room and plopped into my chair, when Patty fixed me in a meaningful stare, her eyes made more blue by the sapphire colored shadow she’d slathered on her lids. She danced the faint line of her eyebrows at me, raising and lowering first one then the other until even Herman noticed. I could tell by the way his lips slowly parted, revealing a hunk of meat caught in the gap between his front teeth.

  “Susan and I have to powder our noses.” Patty slid out from under Kyle’s arm.

  I stood and retraced my steps, weaving between tables and back to the ladies room. I knew the drill—any woman who’s ever been through school has the routine down. Patty was supposed to ask how I liked Herman. I wa
s supposed to say he was nice, but we didn’t have that much in common. Later she’d find a private moment to tell Kyle. Kyle would relay the message to Herman and Herman would know not to call me.

  I resolved that this would be my last blind date. I should have learned my lesson in high school when Mama kept fixing me up with poster boys for misfits of America.

  “You could have waited a few minutes instead of being so obvious,” I said. “You could have brought your purse instead of leaving it hanging over the back of your chair. We’re supposed to be powdering our noses.”

  I could have told her about her eyebrows, but I was ticked off about Herman. I peered at my image in the mirror. My nose looked okay, but my lips could use attention.

  “How should I say this, Susan? He’s just not that into you.”

  I stopped in the middle of extracting my makeup case from my purse. “He’s not that what?”

  “The relationship isn’t working.” Patty looked apologetic. “While you were in here doing sauce clean-up, Herman said he--”

  “What relationship?” I fixed her in a laser glare. “It’s simply a blind date, for God’s sake, not a lifetime commitment.”

  The insurance salesman with all the personality of a bowl of noodles was rejecting me? I was supposed to be the one to say, “No, thanks.” Was there something wrong with me? Why had I struck out on my first date post divorce? For one ghastly moment, I even considered that my mother might be right and maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to accept the end of my marriage after T. Chandler refused to dump what’s-her-name and go to counseling.

  “What are you so upset about? I could tell you weren’t crazy about him. You know how good my intuitive vibes are and you were simply oozing boredom mixed with annoyance.”

  “I’m not upset.” I let my makeup case slide back into my purse.

  “Ha! You look like someone stole your last piece of candy and threw it under a truck. Let it go, Susan. Let the Universe take it from you.” She spread her arms out to her sides at shoulder level, closed her eyes, and hummed Ohhhhmmmm. A woman pushed open the door, caught one glimpse and backed out.